a note to self.

hello to my small corner of the internet that no one reads. it has been a busy week. can you believe its already wednesday, and already past lunch?

my weekend was quiet and dreamy and more fit for the pages of my journal than for my medium page — for now, at least.

I’ve been reading a lot, thinking a lot, simplifying a lot, too. I guess I’m publishing a “note-to-self,” as it were. I want to write about simplifying, slowing down, setting limitations, embracing meditation and margin. I want to be someone who practices these things.

a holy calmness. I want that to personify me, as I walk with the Lord, and walk with my husband, and friends, and coworkers and counselees and teammates. Am I someone who embodies a life that is indwelt by the Holy Spirit? Am I someone who is listening and learning purposely?

Or am I just frantically pursuing knowledge in the name of “redeeming the time,” and suddenly I am exhausted and overstimulated and unable to tell you anything meaningful?

I have always been driven to be stronger, faster, smarter, better. more efficient, more strategic, more persuasive, better than anyone else. I am not even a little ashamed to admit that. I was raised to think and act in this way — not in a way that was malicious or maligning of others, but to set my eyes upon myself and improve to be the best version of myself I could be.

there is nothing wrong with growth. but I wasn’t pursuing growth — I was worshipping the idol of self and feeding it.

I have begun realizing this slowly, retroactively, as I look back and consider my life. I wasn’t always cognitively living this way — sometimes I was though. sometime in college I started bucking against these tendencies, but for the most part, I didn’t do that on purpose. my health forced my hand.

I guess God knows what he’s doing or something.

all of that to say, this is a mental note. I want to write about these things. how they have manifested, how I have experienced them. What I’m thinking about now. How I should think about looking back — and more importantly, how I should consider the path forward.

I’m learning a lot about wisdom as a posture, wisdom as an orientation, wisdom as a boundary line that frees us up instead of holding us back. I think I should think more and write about this.

I originally got on here to write about fear of man and my eight mile bike ride through the mountains, but I think I’ve said enough for today. maybe eventually I’ll write about that too.